you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
