we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
