After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
