She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
