Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
