she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
