I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
