I wish I only lived at night.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
