your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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