Who did Billy Mays play for?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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