i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
