Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
there's paper in my vomit.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
