i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
