He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
