oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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