His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
