Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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