i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
