I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
