I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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