i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
