he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
