I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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