he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
