i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
