2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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