My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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