3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
