I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
