oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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