dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
