were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Randomize
