my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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