dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
