Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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