mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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