Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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