Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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