Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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