Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
What a dumb baby whore.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
