I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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