Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
