he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
