I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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