my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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