Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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