We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
