Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
