Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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