Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
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I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
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Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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