My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
