Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
