Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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