my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
